Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You have to summon your inner elephant
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
