I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
