I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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