3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
