How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
