nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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