She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
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