:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
