Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
