Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
