this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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