Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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