I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
