I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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