does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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