Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
