Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
