The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
