so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Randomize
