3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
