We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i've created a new STD.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
