I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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