If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
