she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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