I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my being single is dangerous.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
