my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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