Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize