Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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