All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
