i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
