I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
