I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
