I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
