If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
