just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
