He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
