At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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