forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
