sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
