Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
