Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
