I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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