I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
