HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
