Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
