Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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