Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
