I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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