the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
