yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
