I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
