you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
