Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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