Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
