Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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